Here’s what I learned when I rewatched The Hills

I have this very informed and undisputed theory that at one point three years ago, all of “Hollywood” came together and was like, “Now that Youtube is apparently allowed to make movies, the people must suffer.” Thus explains the reboots, remakes and live actions getting shoved down our throats—from Full House to Cats: The Musical. Who can I talk to about ending this? Hollywood, call me! 

“The Hills: New Beginnings,” which premiered in June, is the latest reboot literally no one asked for. I presume the name “New Beginnings” can be attributed to the fact that the original cast members are embroiled in divorce proceedings and Mischa Barton is somehow now in the mix. I don’t have cable because I’m not rich, so a lot of questions are left unanswered. And for that, I’m sorry, but if you really want to know you can watch it and get back to me. Because time is money and I’m not making any of it, I decided to cling to relevancy by rewatching The Hills: B.M. (Before Mischa). 

The Hills premiered in 2006 and aired for six seasons. Spoiler alert: the last episode revealed that most of the show was scripted, which explains why Heidi was 20 years old with a corner office working in “Event Production.” Scripted drama aside, there’s so many genuine moments that made me sit back and think “what the actual hell am I watching right now?”

So, I’ve decided to dig into some of my favorite moments and storylines and how they shaped me into the nightmare I am today. 

You can’t be a fashion intern for three years… unless your parents are rich as hell

Of all six seasons, my favorite moment of the entire series is when Whitney Port, Lauren’s intern boss shouts from behind her iMac, 

“I am just so sick of being an intern, it’s been three years!” 

This single line absolutely sends me to the moon. I was an intern for a very brief stint right out of college and broke out in face hives every time I thought about how poor I was.

Like any jaded 25 year old woman would do, I googled Whitney Port from my couch and discovered something totally predictable— her parents are loaded. In fact, Whit went to a private school that famously charges $30k for Kindergarten. If your parents are willing to spend the equivalent of my Honda Accord Loan for you to learn the alphabet then it’s pretty much a given that they’ll support you while you build your brand as an unpaid fashion mogul and work part time as an MTV personality.

No one is going from renting a pool house to buying a mansion in the Hollywood Hills….unless you’re Audrina Patridge

Major props to Audrina’s manager because in the span of two seasons, she went from living in Lauren Conrad’s pool house to a buying her very own mansion in the Hollywood Hills. This still blows my mind because the older I get the more I realize that no matter what I do or how low I stoop to make a buck, owning a home in Los Angeles is laughable. I even tried looking into foreclosures once. It’s not happening, kids! Get back to the Viper Room!

Nothing will hit as different as Don’t Phunk With My Heart playing during a pan-over of Sunset Blvd.

This is perhaps the one inherently good thing I’ve learned from this disaster of a TV show.

“I ain’t only here cause I want ya body

I want your mind too

Interestin’s what I find you

And I’m interested in the long haul

Come on girl (yee-haw)”

will.i.am

*camera pans over the Mcdonalds on Sunset and Crescent Heights* yessss, cinematography! 

Since rewatching The Hills I’ve indoctrinated it into law that when I turn onto Sunset Blvd I have to listen to the Bridge of Don’t Phunk With My Heart over and over until I black out and end up at my destination. It really helps me pay no mind to the road rage of the rich and famous, so much so that once I almost hit a guy walking into Greenblatt’s. Whoops! 

You’re NOT going to date Ryan Cabrera!

There, I said it! You’re not going to stumble into a dimly lit, grimy bar and exit with a musician boyfriend who has better hair than you. The closest I came to this was the time my sister went to The Short Stop in Echo Park and hung out with Blake Anderson all night.

I guess what I’m saying is, maybe I’m just not hot enough to pull a celebrity from a dive bar. We can unpack that later. 

No one in LA has that many friends….. Do they???? Please tell me they don’t…..

Watching The Hills as a young girl duped me into thinking having a lot of friends who also all have pools was like, a given.  Then I moved to LA and I make a friend at a ratio of one to every six months. Thus far, I’ve made 3 friends—none of which have pools.

Every single weekend the cast is inviting flocks of hot men and women to drink and play beach volleyball, meanwhile I sit at home and eat flamin’ hot cheetos until I get acid reflux so bad I have to drive to CVS for tums. Season 4 episode 11 is a personal favorite. The squad, in Cabo for Brody’s birthday, fly in about 30 women who I assume they grabbed from the West Hollywood Equinox. Are Cabo girls not hot enough? You know 30 girls in LA? This is too much, I need to redownload bumble BFF.

When I finished the series in a span of time so short I’m not yet willing to admit it to you, I realized that maybe the reason I’m in therapy isn’t because of my family traumas— but instead because someone allowed me to watch this delusion infested reality show as a pure, impressionable 7th grader. Friends, an apartment with a backyard and pool, a job and hot men who don’t ghost me! That’s what dreams are made of, y’all! I can only hope that “The Hills: New Beginnings” is just as insane as the original, but until someone gives me their cable login it’s just me, The Black Eyed Peas and Sunset Blvd, baby!  

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