Sit Down and Shut Up: Slimy ‘Uncle Joe’ Biden

It’s important to me that as a white woman whose life has been rooted in privilege,  I am constantly working to learn the ways I can recognize my privilege, identify and call out inappropriate behavior, and act considerately and appropriately  so that one day when I’m rich and famous I won’t wake up to problematic tweets of mine being resurfaced. I’m not perfect and sometimes it takes me longer than it should to discern the ways in which I can be better, but the point is that we’re all out here trying. 

Joe Biden is the antithesis of this notion. He’s the guy who attempts to denounce rape by saying he’s “the husband to a woman;” as if he the only way a man can be capable of respecting women is by seeing them through the lens of being a wife or mother. He’s the guy who doesn’t get why saying “you’re pretty funny for a girl” is the most devastating thing you could ever say to a woman who is definitely 10 times funnier than you. Joe Biden is the kid who skates through high school on mediocrity, and mediocrity alone, but gets accepted into an Ivy League because his mom is Lori Loughlin. 

Joe Biden, I hereby declare you sit down and shut up.  

I’ll admit, I used to really love ol’ grandpa Joe. The way he’d stand behind Obama with the slightest glimmer in his eye, which I’m now realizing was probably a result of all the corporate lobbyist money hitting his bank account for an exclusive Los Angeles fundraiser. #notgrassroots.  I once heard a story about him riding a unicycle in Maryland which seems goofy, relatable, and is simultaneously the whitest shit I’ve ever heard – coincidentally are the only 3 qualities we look for in our President of these United States of America! God bless! 

But it’s 2019 now, and it’s time to pay attention to the way people act when they’re off the unicycle: the tangible evidence we have about who they are as human beings and politicians, instead of the expertly crafted personalities that are a result of years of advising and strategizing. I’ll take it back to 1991 when Joe Biden showed us explicitly who he was when, as head of the Judiciary Committee, he failed to effectively support Anita Hill’s testimony against Supreme Court Judge nominee, Clarence Thomas. Joe Biden ultimately refused to bring additional witnesses who could corroborate Anita’s testimony, and allowed republicans to ruthlessly attack her—going as far to accuse her of “erotomania,” which up until today I thought was a result of liking the Twilight series a little too much. I may be a salty, grudge holding bitch but I will give credit where credit is due when it comes to terrible people correcting the error of their ways. Joe Biden ain’t our man for this though. If calling Anita Hill and apologizing, after 28 years of radio silence, one week before announcing his bid for the Presidency feels premeditated and insincere to you, it’s because it is. Turns out Joe Biden needs acting classes because Mrs. Anita Hill wasn’t buying it and publicly refused to accept his apology. That is big dick energy.

But wait, there’s more! 8 women have since come forward accusing Joe Biden of inappropriate touching, which is totally out of left field and a complete shock from the guy who we’ve seen on CNN giving endless hugs to multiple reluctant women! Turns out Joe really is just like my grandpa! 

Joe Biden has taken every allegation and concern about him and turned them into bits he can use on his book tour, entirely void of empathy and understanding. The sentiment behind his reactions feels as though he’s laughing at us—mocking our frustrations and feelings. Gaslighting women? The USA would never! After 8 brave women accused Biden, he hugged Lonnie Stephenson on stage in front of a crowd of 1,200 people, and joked, “I had permission to hug Lonnie.” Sounds to me like Joe’s course of action is to normalize his predatory behavior, which is a note he must’ve taken from every man in my Instagram dms. 

The trick to understand white men is to acknowledge that they’re born into a life of systemic privilege. They’re allowed to say and do horrible things and people will look over it because “he reminds me of my grandpa!” Reality check: your grandpa probably hit your grandma and didn’t think she should vote. A white man will never know the pain that comes with seeing a man who’s been accused of sexual assault run for President and win!  They’ll never understand the frustration that comes with looking at Joe Biden running against multiple overly qualified women and hearing that “Joe Biden is the electable one,” despite having a graduate degree in Being a Total Creep. No matter how  twitter woke the man, he will never know the feeling of being a woman and seeing these moments play out right in front of our eyes. When you can come to terms with this, it becomes a lot less disappointing when all your male friends take the easier, Obama-adjacent road. 

For those of you who are bathing in complacency every night, let’s put aside Joe’s lack of moral compass aside and dive into policy! 

Surprise, there is none! Is it a shock that there’s no policy plans for the entitled, white privileged, and altogether average male candidate? Don’t worry though, he has it all figured out— it’s just awfully boring and much too complicated for us small minded American citizens. Like the cool girls in 6th grade told me when I wanted in on a joke, we just wouldn’t ‘get it.’ In various speeches since announcing his candidacy for president, Biden merely eludes to his policy but refrains from going into specifics because he “[doesn’t have] the time.” You’ve got to trust him, he has a fantastic healthcare plan but he just “doesn’t have the time to completely lay out the details.” Wondering about your crippling college debt? He has a plan for that too, but “ [he doesn’t] have time; [he doesn’t] want to keep you standing any longer.” This sounds a lot like me when I brag nonstop about falling in love with someone and then he ghosts me. I swear things are going great, I just have no updates and no pictures of him yet! It’s called keeping the great things in my life private, and you should respect that!

I think the most frustrating part of all of this is that we have a candidate in Elizabeth Warren who has laid out policy plan after policy plan, to the point where she almost has me convinced that maybe the earth won’t completely combust in 10 years and I can afford to have a home and a child of my own one day? Is this what hope feels like? She’s setting America up for success with her plans for: taxing corporate profits, holding corporate executives accountable, making public college free, forgiving student debt, providing universal child care, increasing affordable housing, bringing down maternal mortality rate, addressing the nation’s opioid crisis, breaking up big tech, breaking up big agriculture, removing electoral college, debt relief to Puerto Rico, and improving military housing. I didn’t make any of these up for the sake of making a point. These are all actual issues that Elizabeth has a written policy plan for. 

But wait, didn’t she look awkward that one time opening a beer on Instagram Live? Unelectable, awkward wench!

The fact that Joe Biden’s quotes about being “too busy” to provide us with policy as a rebuttal to the preparedness of Elizabeth Warren goes to show his privilege and arrogance are what will guide him through this race for the presidency. This is an ego trip for Mr. Biden. He doesn’t care about the women he’s mistreated, he doesn’t care about setting the younger generation up for success, and he doesn’t care about the future of our country or our citizens. Joe Biden will stand amongst the ashes of our burning country and continue to chant in naive generalities.

“We choose hope over fear! We choose unity over division! We choose truth over lies! And we choose science over fiction!” -Joe Biden, refusing to address anything of substance

Dear Joe Biden,

Please sit down, shut up, and never EVER raise your hands above your waist to hug a woman ever again. 

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